Hiding behind Masks

Behind my hands

my face lurks

tentative, scared, scarred.

Laughter is its shield

quivering in the silence,

every nerve jangling, shaking.

True expression is dangerous;

it is too real, too exposing,

too naked me:

one should never be without clothes (it's unnatural).

Childhood freedom?

Gone with every don't and shouldn't.

I have my faces

each used on different occasions,

some serving more than one purpose:

Not all truth.

I confess that I have a problem with perfectionism. I never really realized/admitted it until just recently.

I am loathe to put anything out into the world that is not perfectly crafted and complete. I'd rather abandon something if I can't do it right. I'd rather not even try if I'm just going to fail. If I'm going to put something out there, I'm definitely not going to leave holes for people to poke their fingers into, places where they can poke and prod at my self-worth.

That is what perfectionism is about a lot of the time. It's about maintaining my armour, keeping up the facade, wearing the "everything is okay" mask. Don't show weakness. Don't give an opportunity for people to hurt you, the real you, the one you hide behind the perfectionism. Our outside self is so carefully crafted. If we don't find this out in childhood, we find out soon afterwards. It only takes one bad experience to start us hiding.

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am willing to take risks with my self. When I enter into a relationship, it's a risk. When I publish a blog post, it's a risk. When I share something important to me, it's a risk. And all these risks affect my self-confidence, self-worth, self-acceptance. They shouldn't make such a difference, but they do. My first impulse is always to hide. I'll hide behind a mask of self-confidence if I don't have anything else. The problem is, if that mask is challenged, it will become harder and harder to maintain the facade. Behind it, I get more and more paranoid about keeping the mask intact. But you can't really live fully behind the mask. Eventually it will crack and crumble, or else you will. . .

Fake it till you make it doesn't really work in the long term, not if involves denial of self and identity. And who then am I apart from these masks I hide behind?